I wasn't a "fat child." As a matter of fact, I remember, in first grade being very skinny and wearing "slim-cut" pants. I was a normal kid. Then, somewhere around the 4th grade, all of the sudden I could wear my sister's pants. She was 8 years older than me, and was therefore probably in a slim junior size for a 17 year old, but I was 9. And this was the beginning of my weight issues. I didn't even realize at this time that I was fat, but I was. This was also the beginning of the peer teasing. You know....Big Pam, Fat Pam. Yes, kids are mean. I was teased A LOT for my weight. I don't remember exactly when I went on my first diet, but I do know that my mom and dad were ALWAYS very supportive of my MANY diet attempts. I continued to go on many diets, but never really strictly followed any of them. As a result, I continued to gain and gain until at the beginning of my 11th grade year, I got sick and my mother carried me to the doctor. I weighed 232 pounds. I am tall....5'11'', but Damn....232 pounds! It totally defined me....I was the fat girl. When I saw the doctor, I broke down crying about my weight. I didn't even care at this point that I actually came here because I was sick. I was more sick of being fat! This doctor was awesome. He referred me to a dietician whom I made an appointment with before leaving. After a few days, I saw the dietician. It was not a secret formula or some chemical breakdown diet. It was just to restrict how many calories were going in to 1200 per day. I began following this diet religiously, and before the beginning of my senior year, I really don't remember how much I weighed, but I do know all the kids were talking about how much weight "Big Pam" had lost. I was thin...finally. It was a new me. I still didn't feel really thin, although, looking back, I really was. All of the sudden boys were interested in me for the first time in my life. All of the sudden, I wasn't necessarily "on a diet" and I was just eating normally. And I got even smaller. By the time I went to college I wore a size 8, which is pretty slim for someone my height. I was the "tall skinny girl." I continued through college, pretty much maintaining my weight. I was just living normally, having the time of my life, and weight was not an issue for me.
Then, I graduated and landed a job, in my field, at a public accounting firm. During tax season. They were pretty much slave drivers. The would order in food for lunch and dinner, because they didn't want you to leave. Just work and bill time to clients. This was the time in my life where I had no boyfriend, I hated my job, and my friends were mostly still in college partying. I felt lost and miserable. I regretted choosing accounting as my major, due to the fact that I hated my job, and I really couldn't have too much fun, due to the fact that I had to be responsible and get to work on time every morning. Do to my miserable feelings, and a surplus of food, I began to use food to push down my feelings. At the time, again, I didn't realize this was a major issue that would rule my life, but it was. I am sure it was a reoccurance of the issues that made me a fat pre-teen and teen, but at the time, I didn't recognize it.
I began looking for a job, just months into my new job, and found a much less stressful job pretty quickly. I started a diet at the same time, which was the beginning of a cycle that would continue for the next 11 years (so far). My personal and professional life improved greatly. I met my soul mate, eventually ended up with a great job in healthcare, but somewhere along the way, my food issues spun out of control until, well, now, where I have ended up weighing 237...yep...I just posted that. That was my weight on this past Monday. 237. For pete's sake! Over the past 11 years, I have tried just about every diet out there. The 48 hour celebrity juice diet. Weight Watchers, the grapefruit diet, slimfast, ect. And I still ended up 237 pounds.
It's totally crazy. I am a pretty smart person. I totally understand the science of true weight loss. Calories in, calories out....deficit must be present for weight to be lost. So, why can't I just do it? It is the most frustrating thing I have ever faced. I know that I CAN control it, yet, I CAN'T control it. I mean, I can control my choices, control what I eat, and how much I eat, yet for some reason, my mind won't let me control it.
So, I started out 2010, saying, "this is my year, I am going to actually do it this year!" I flittered around with a 3 day chemical breakdown diet for a few weeks, but this past week, I began counting calories. Yes, it has been hard. Yes, I have wanted to cheat. Yes, I have been tempted. But you know what? I totally haven't cheated. I have been logging my calories and trying to stay aroun 1500 or so, and I have done it! So, seriously, 2010 is my year! I am totally going to do it this year!
